So many friends, family members and readers of this blog have been checking in with me to see how I am feeling after Quinn’s arrival. I am absolutely grateful for all of the calls, messages, e-mails, comments and tweets. It is really comforting to know that so many people care about how I am doing physically, mentally and emotionally.
A few months ago I wrote a post about how I was preparing to fend off postpartum depression (PPD) this time around. Since it has been four weeks since Quinn’s birth I wanted to take some time to give you an update about I am dealing with all of the changes that have taken place. This Sunday marks four years since I first told my husband that I thought I was suffering from postpartum depression and that I needed help. If you had told me four years ago that by the summer of 2013 I would not only have another child, but that I would also be blissfully happy I would have gotten incredibly angry, called you a liar and then cried for a good, long time. But here I am, one month after the birth of my daughter and I feel absolutely fantastic. I don’t think I have ever been happier.
I’m serious–I love my life so much right now that I can barely believe it.
I’m not anxious. I’m not weepy. I’m not worried. I’m not struggling to feed my child. I’m not angry. I’m not feeling hopeless or lonely. I’m not crying in the shower. I’m not dealing with sleeplessness. I’m not overeating or facing loss of my appetite. I not convinced that my baby doesn’t like me.
Why are things so different this time around?
- Quinn was born full term. Even though I haven’t told you the entire birth story yet, there was nothing terribly dramatic or traumatic about her birth. Porter was born five weeks early so all during labor I was stressed that he wasn’t going to be ok and shortly thereafter, we were back in the hospital with him dealing with jaundice. After that were lots of follow-up doctor’s appointments and blood tests. Just more stress surrounded Porter’s birth.
- Because Quinn was born full term I haven’t had to struggle to feed her. She has a healthy appetite. Porter had trouble latching and sucking for the first two weeks–breast as well as bottles. Because he was small, we had to wake him up to feed him every two hours and in the beginning he just wouldn’t want to wake up. Then he wouldn’t want to eat. Then I would worry and feel frustrated.
- I’m formula feeding this time and it has been a blessing. I’m not worried about my lack of milk. I’m not crying while pumping. I’m not cluster feeding. I am much happier without the pressure of breastfeeding. Formula feeding is letting Aaron and I share feeding responsibilities and therefore we are getting a decent amount of sleep compared to what we were use to with Porter.
- Speaking of sleep, I actually can sleep. I’m not lying awake worrying about the baby. I get up one or two times a night to feed Quinn which means I get four hour stretches of sleep which is much better than what I was getting after Porter was born.
- I had my placenta encapsulated and taking those pills did wonders for me–especially in terms of my physical recovery. Two and half weeks postpartum and I felt completely recovered from childbirth. It is hard to tell right now if the pills improved my mood, but I think they were worth getting just for the speed of recovery alone.
- The midwife who delivered Quinn put me back on Zoloft right away–which none of the other OBs in the practice I was going to was willing to do. This made me feel really prepared for an anxiety issues that may have arisen in the first weeks. Unfortunately, at three weeks postpartum I noticed that the medication was causing insomnia (a side effect I have never experienced with these pills before.) I carefully made the decision to stop the pills cold turkey (I don’t recommend that and I should have talked to my doctor, but…I didn’t.) I noticed a change in my sleep pattern within 24 hours and I haven’t taken a pill since.
- Our in-laws are helping us cover the cost of having Porter in daycare full-time for a few months while I adjust to life with Quinn. This has been an amazing gift. Aaron went back to work full-time six days after Quinn was born and I wouldn’t have been able to physically handle two children by myself that soon after giving birth. Having Porter in daycare provides him with a lot of attention, social activities and ways for him to burn off energy while giving me time to focus on meeting Quinn’s needs.
- I’m not only asking for help but I am welcoming help when people offer to give it.
- I’m being totally open and honest with Aaron about how I am feeling. If I need to get out of the house just to have some “me” time, I’m not afraid to say “Hey, I love you guys but I need to get out of here and be away from you for a while!”–and I don’t feel guilty doing so.
- Overall, the one thing that has been the most helpful is experience. I have four years of parenting under my belt which means that over time I have built up some parenting confidence. I know that the sleepless nights are temporary. The baby won’t cry all the time. I know that this parenting thing is worth it even though, in the moment, I may be frustrated or hungry or tired.
I know that I am not out of the woods. Postpartum depression can strike long after your baby outgrows the “newborn” size clothes. But I do feel that this time I have experience on my side and resources at my fingertips. I’m taking each day moment by moment.
